im okay, really i am. i know nobody reads this, and if you do, dont feel sorry for me, i just need to get it out. and i dont wanna tell friends about it because its just one of those things that they would feel bad for me for, and im not looking for pity at all.
i just dont understand the way things work. why i get all this stuff all at once. it may not seem like much but honestly, its stuff that is always there, i just put it in the back of my mind. i never once did something so horrible, that i deserve the life that i have. sure i have stuff others dont, i have a house, i have friends, family, i goto college. but i can say one bad thing about almost everything. my house....not specifically my house but what is the reason for my family be in debt like we are. no one can ever see it, but we are practically in great debt. i know it seems greedy to think that this is a great problem, but it is. my parents work for their money, and all the sudden its all gone? and i hate having to have them pay for anything of mine anymore. it just sucks. like why does my family have to suffer like this? we already suffer because theres so many of us. now my friends. i really dont have many bad things to say about them, but honestly the only two friends i truely can depend on for anything right now are courtney and leah. i love the rest of my friends, but how often do i talk to them? i talk to court and leah every day and it is just as if they are always gunna be there forever. i really dont know what i would do without them. sounds corny but i think thats the only good thing in my life right now. my family i love and always will....but do they love me the same way? ive always had those doubts of my parents loving me. ALWAYS, like for instance when i got cut from softball, all i could do was cry and stay up in my room, because i felt since i wasnt gunna be on the team, my dad wouldnt like me anymore. why should i have to feel like that? that was a long time ago, but now that Im at college they never call me, makes me think about how the future is gunna be when im married(if i even am) and live on my own...how often will i talk to them then. then theres how unhealthy my family is. i wont get into detail but why do they put themselves thru it. especially my sister. she is like my best friend, and role model, but she just takes so much away from her for what she puts her self through. if one day i wake up finding out shes no longer here, i will never be able to forgive myself. college is just another thing i wish i didnt have to do. i honestly dont know why im here. i thought about it hard and thought, its because i want to grow up and get a good job, so i can have a family to support and so on....but then i think, well why didnt i just goto LCCC or something? maybe i was sick of whitehall? who knows....but i think a part of me being here is so i can prove people wrong. i can bet my parents never expected me to be here, and make it here, but i did. but now thats the part where i dont prove them wrong. basically im failing two classes. literally. i dont know what im gunna do. thats 2 classes, and i just got here. it just sucks because ill never be as smart as all the other kids, like prodigy greg who went to penn state main and has an ngineering degree. or kelly who didnt finish school and still has a well set job, and lives in NYC. or of course, be like CHRISSY, the super smart wanna be teacher for math, and last but not least...like the golden child katie, who oesnt even need to try and can still maintain a 4.0, or get s traight A's and probbaly get accepted to any college she wants, and play 3 sports and still maintain her good grades....yeh try having that as a younger sister. i guess im an outcast. i am so stupid and honestly i am. then theres the fact that i probably wont ever meet someone worth loving. honestly, why do i even look, i know why i look...because that person will NEVER come to me. i constantly find myself searching, but always finding the wrong ones. its unbelievable. i just cant wait to see if i ever get the chance. if i ever get the chance to be happy, and in love
okay thats enough for now..
